KinkySexRadio.com

Snappy · Joined: 22 Feb 2006 Posts: 5

Hi all,

First time poster here.

Over the years my preferences in kink have changed, some areas slighty, and some others, more drastically. Unfortunately, my partner is VERY Vanilla, and is very resistent to areas of kink being implemented during "playtime", and trying different kinks. Pretty much the only kinks she is O.K. with are some light kinks such as light toys, feathers and flavored powders.

Personally, that doesn't do it for me, but she likes it so...I go with what I can.

How common is this for partners, or for one partner to do this. I do understand that some of this comes from exploring different kinks, and discovering which ones you like or dislike. i guess the question I am asking is what is the best way to try and introduce your partner to more kinks that you are into.

I understand that not everyone likes all kinks, and appreciate that, and someone who might like a spanking won't necessarilly like a caneing (sp?).

One method I have tried was to leave a magazine or two dedicated to a fetish or two of mine laying around, but to no avail.

How common is it to have other friends to perform scenes with, outside of a marriage, since most kinks have nothing to do with the act of copulation anyway.

Hope to chat with all of you soon,

Snappy

sinnnical · Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 4 Location: cleveland

in my limited experience...the 2 current subs i have both happen to be in committed relationships. that being said....im not a pro, nor does the time i spend with my subs have anything to do with sex.

i believe in honesty being the best policy....but i dont believe in depriving people of their own creative outlets either. if youve done as much as you can to be honest and its not well recieved, then i think thats all you can do in the way of being respectful and considerate of the relationship. part of this lifestyle i believe is being considerate to civilians/vanillas. i KNOW your situation to be extremely common...and who knows? maybe one day she'll come around....until then....be respectful but keep it kinky elsewhere.

Snappy · Joined: 22 Feb 2006 Posts: 5

Thanks for your reply!

I agree with honesty being the best policy, but quite frankly, the look of horror on her face when I metioned some of the kinks, was a major disappointment. Just in a passing comment, you know to see how they would be received.

By the way, I have found that as a good way to judge peoples reactions and level of acceptance, not necesarilly participation, to kink is to just bring up a fetish in a conversation. Don't attach it to yourself or the person you are having the conversation with. Obviously you can't be speaking of a sporting event, then just blurt out fetishes you like, that could be just awkward if the person is vanilla. But then again, if they aren't...

Unfortunately, American society, as a whole, looks down on any sex other than vanilla. Because of this general view, it makes it more difficult for others to not only explore their fetishes, but learn more of not only the fetishes that work for them, but new ones. The internet has really done a lot for spreading information not just for this topic, but many various subsets and niche topics. Three cheers for the internet, and freedom of expression.

Lucid417 · Joined: 04 Feb 2006 Posts: 4

I'd say American society looks down on sex in general. I mean, a nipple pops out on TV and the FCC says it's a $550k mistake. The American Viewers were even less happy, to the tune of about $3.5 million to various groups and organizations.
America Hates Sex.

leatherlady · Joined: 22 Feb 2006 Posts: 5 Location: Alabama

Yes, unfortuneately the moral majority rules the roost,
so us kinksters are SOL when it comes to outing our most fun fetishes.

My suggestion is to keep trying, slowly introducing more and more..just the fact that your partner allows ANY accessories into the playtime suggests that she's at least trying to please you.

keep us informed on the progress.

spank ya later-
Leatherlady

ScorpioSub · Joined: 09 Apr 2006 Posts: 47

At this point, my suggestion would be to discuss the possibility of playing with others... Discuss whether your partner would want to know details about who/what/when or prefer to be kept in the dark. Look into local clubs/organizations/groups both to meet potential play partners and find people that you and your partner can talk to.

Your situation is really common, from what I've seen, so know that you are not alone Exclamation

And yes, for some people kink is totally unrelated to sex and I think the key to this situation is to make it clear to those people you are playing with, if you decide to go that way, that your interction will be BDSM not "sex."
That, also, is a really common arrangement.

Just my 2 cents...[/i]

undie_addict · Joined: 05 Feb 2006 Posts: 7 Location: Kentucky

I've had this issue before, but probably a milder form. All I know to suggest is to overly stress the issue of openmindedness and the "don't knock it til you've tried it" attitude. I've found that once I've convinced a partner to give something a go, they realize it's not so bad after all or they even kinda like it! That sheds a lot of light on things for them and then they may decide to do it because it pleases you. For me, if someone I care about likes something it is at least worth a shot to find out what it's all about.

ScorpioSub · Joined: 09 Apr 2006 Posts: 47

Something that I don't think has been addressed is the following:

How important is it for the person you are playing/interacting with in a BDSM context to be "into it" themselves?

Personally, I don't get much out of playing with someone who is doing it only because he/she thinks it is what I want. Experience has reinforced this for me on a couple of occasions. If the other person doesn't get something out of it (beyong having done something for someone they care about), I'd rather just not do it. While i'd certainly appreciate that the person wanted to make me happy, the ativities themselves lose a lot of what makes them so wonderful.

For example: There was a person with whom I played (and did some other stuff) breifly, but despite actual skill with the activities, I found the experiences lacking. I quickly figured out that the person "topped" because (he believed that) the peple he was playing with (me in that case) wanted to bottom. The energy wasn't there, the magic wasn't there, and I wasn't into it, as much as they might have been activities that, in general, I enjoy. Similarly, I know that the individuals to whom I've been submissive, valued the fact that I enjoyed serving and pleasing them, that I got something out of it... I know that my emotional/psychologial involvement was a big part of what made it special and what made it better and much different from having, for example, a maid or a secretary perform the same tasks.

Even if the significant other in snappy's case did ultimately agree to engage in whatever activities were proposed, would it be the same? Would it be worth it?